


That Time When

by auselysium



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-18 05:50:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9370889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselysium/pseuds/auselysium
Summary: All those times that Todd and Billy grow closer, physically and emotionally.(Essentially gap fillers before/after scenes that we saw on the show.  A few extra ones that we never saw, but deserved as well.)





	1. Chapter 1

The vicar is full of surprises.

The first surprise having been all those weeks ago, when he’d sat prim and proper on Todd’s couch, dog collar and all, and told Todd he’d fallen for him.

The second had been how that unexpected crush hadn’t waned, even as Todd had tried to push him away. Even as Todd had tried to deny his own bouts of jealousy, his mounting feelings and growing attraction.

And the third surprise is that, sweet mother of Mary and Joseph, Billy is a bloody brilliant kisser.

There is nothing prim nor proper about him now with his tongue deep and needy against Todd’s. The kiss is bruising and urgent and a million times more passionate than Todd would have ever expected. Not that he had been expecting to be kissing Billy Mayhew today. He should be half way to London by now, but instead the rumble of his You’re in luck, trouble is my speciality is still echoing in Todd’s head and the shutter of Billy’s uneven breath as he changes the angle of the kiss is in his ears.

They may be standing in Todd’ kitchen, but they could be anywhere. Todd is lost, his head spinning as Billy’s fingers feather through his hair, leaving a shiver of sensation down his neck. The press of Billy’s body, from waist to chest is steady and unashamed, hiding nothing of his growing arousal.

Todd keeps one hand gentle against Billy’s angled jaw as another drifts down Billy’s side, coming to rest on his hip. That same hand sneaks below the hem of Billy’s coat, over his waist line to pull them even closer together creating glorious friction against the rocketing heat in his groin.

Billy moans, appreciating that same friction and the kiss changes. Becomes something slower, more patient. In some ways this gentler touch feels even better. So much so that Todd doesn’t notice Billy pull away slightly, begin to put more time between the kisses, open his eyes to catch the beautiful flush on Todd’s cheeks as he tilts his head for another kiss.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Todd whispers during one such lull. Billy catches Todd’s lower lip between his in what feels like a final punctuation on an exceptional first kiss.

Billy takes a long breath. “Longer for me, I’d wager,”

Todd leans back against the counter, looking at him from beneath his lashes. “I’m sorry about how I reacted, you know. When you told me about how you felt. I was a total arse.” Billy shrugs, not doing to disagree with his statement and Todd laughs through his nose. It seems so ridiculous, now, that he could not want to be with Billy. “It was just such a surprise. Really came out of nowhere for me.”

“It surprised me as well,” Billy admits. “But I couldn’t help myself. We’d gotten so close then, everything with Lee and Sarah.”

“We had,” Todd agrees with a warm flush to his skin, realizing they are just as close now, if not closer. “But I mean, you were Sean’s. You were off limits.”

Billy gives him a crooked smile, pulling on the hem of Todd shirt as he steps back in close. “I'm not his anymore,” he says, lowly.

The inference of exactly whose that makes him leaves a smile on Todd’s face. He encircles Billy with his arms, letting them rest at the small of his back. That warm desire is still there, seated in their bellies, waiting to be acted upon.

“What's a fine, upstanding gentleman such as yourself doing with the likes of my, eh?” Todd asks coyly, even though the sentiment may be fair. Part of the surprise of Billy wanting him, had been Billy wanting him at all.

“Hey now,” Billy says, as if offended by Todd’s own self deprecation. “I’ve told you before,” he cups Todd’s jaw with his hand. “You’re lovely.”

Todd rolls his eyes but doesn’t complain when Billy kisses him again. Short, but very sweet.

“I should go,” Billy says with a pained look to the door. He extracts himself from Todd’s arms and picks up his bag of remnants from Sean’s room. “Now that I’m not going to London I’ve got a full week’s work ahead of me.”

“You going to be alright with that? This was a bit ‘the old king is dead, long live the king’ for you, wasn’t it?”

Billy laughs softly. “I'll be fine. Sean on the other hand…” they both grimace, but that’s a subject for another day. “He won’t be happy, but I am. I’m excited about this, Todd.”

Todd bites at his lower lip, trying hard not to let on just how happy he is too. “Me too.”

“See you tomorrow?” Billy asks, hand on the door.

“You know it.”


	2. Chapter 2

The lights are dim in the vicarage sitting room, the late summer sun finally set. The gritty strains of Paul Weller play in the background. It hasn’t been the most conventional first date, but from where Todd is sitting, it has turned out brilliantly.

The kiss that had started by the door after saying farewell to Bishop John, continues now on the couch. Each slip of his lips, each gentle glide of his tongue against Todd’s raises the bar for what kissing should be. It’s sensual and without haste. Todd can’t remember the last time he's enjoyed the simple act of kissing as much as he does kissing Billy. Of course, the fact that Billy is gorgeous and Todd hasn’t felt this way about a bloke in ages doesn’t hurt.

Already, he loves the way Billy touches him while they kiss. It's not just an act committed by Billy's mouth but his whole body. His hands always seem to find the back of Todd's head, as if to make sure he stays. The sounds of Billy’s breathing, the minute noises of pleasure at the back of his throat, make Todd ache for more.

With well-practiced movements, he undoes the buttons on Billy’s shirt.

“No dog, collar. That’s a shame,” Todd laughs, catching Billy’s lips with his again. He still tastes like red wine.

As he reaches the bottom button, Todd surreptitiously lets his knuckles brush against Billy’s lap. And just as the jutting line of Billy’s cock, long and hard, takes shape beneath his fingers, Billy breaks their kiss with a muttered apology.

“What is it? What’s up?” Todd asks breathlessly as Billy pulls his shirt closed.

“I like you, Todd,” Billy touches his face, his thumb dragging across his jaw. “A lot.” Todd smiles at the simple statement. “But I need to take things slow.”

“You know, Sean doesn’t have to know.”

“This isn’t about Sean. It’s just me. It’s the way I am. Even before the dog collar.”

Todd sighs, realizing that his make-out session is most definitively over.

“Is that a problem?” Billy asks.

Todd considers, briefly. Is it a let down, certainly. Todd would give anything to have Billy on his back by now, giving his holiness a proper reason to take the Lord’s name in vain. But a problem?

“No. No, I can wait.” Todd says, because he has a feeling it will be worth it in the end. “Actually, it might be quite exciting.”

“I think so,” says Billy, with a charming grin. One that Todd desperately wants to kiss of his face.

“Or it might just drive me crazy.”

Luckily, Billy takes pity on him and kisses him once more. Todd feels awkward then, in the face of Billy’s rejection slash deceleration. He doesn’t want to leave, for fear Billy would think he came here only to get in his pants when the reality is far more tame, so he’s glad when Billy offers to top off his wine and asks him how his day at the florists went.

They flirt and Billy laughs, that smokey, easy laugh, finding any excuse to touch Todd’s thigh or bicep as he does.

“Thanks for understanding, about me needing set my own pace,” Billy says as he shows Todd to the door much later. “Not everyone has been so willing.”

“I’ll be honest," Todd says, putting on his coat. "It’s not exactly how I’m used to doing things.” Billy gives him a quizzical look, resting his shoulder against the door frame. “Yeah, I mean, most guys I’ve dated it’s been sex first, figure out the relationship after.”

“Really? Even when you were young, with your first?”

Todd snickers, leaning his head back against the entry door. “My _first_ first was Sarah.”

“Mine too, a girl I mean,” Billy clarifies.

Todd narrows his eyes. “Mmm...partners in denial I see.”

“Not denial. More like trying to keep my father off the scent.”

Todd hums in understanding. “Right, well I was so far down the river, I had to propose to her and get her pregnant to have myself convinced it was what I really wanted. I waited _so long_ to sleep with her...it’s pretty obvious why but with my first guy, Karl,” Todd turns towards Billy, dropping his voice to a softer dynamic as he shares the secrets of his past. “He was older. Determined to have me no matter how many times I told him I was with Sarah." Todd's eyes soften as he remembers. "That first night with him, when I finally stopped trying to kid myself, it was like the whole world shifted, you know? It suddenly all made sense and I wanted it all.”

Billy looks at him, his lips slightly parted, his expression open and mildly turned on as he imagines a younger Todd in the hands of his first lover. It’s the most seductive look Todd has ever seen.

“I should go,” Todd says quickly. “Otherwise I'm going to have to make out with you again and now that I know that is off limits…”

Billy grabs his label with no small amount of strength, pulling Todd in towards him. “I said 'take things slow'. Not grind them to a halt.”

At the word “grind”, Todd gives him a devilish flick of his brows. Billy smiles back with an equally wicked grin before he’s kissing him again.

Maybe this whole “waiting” business will be fun after all.


	3. Chapter 3

“He’s moved out.”

Todd is splayed on his bed, one arm flung across his eyes while his phone is trapped precariously between the pillow and his head. He’s exhausted after one hell of a day, hiding in his bedroom like some moody teenager ever since his mum left for the airport and he gave Phelan a piece of his mind.

“No,” Billy moans, the vowel long and drawn out, on the other end of the phone. “I really thought it wouldn’t come to that.”

“Me too. He could just about stomach the thought of us being together after a chat with my mum, but once he found out she’d known and not said anything...” Todd huffs. “Sodding Pat Phelan and his bloody gob,” Todd says, his tone turning irate. “I can’t stand him, Billy, I really can’t.”

Billy is silent on the phone for a moment, then asks gently. “You had your tea yet?”

“Haven’t really eaten all day, if I’m honest.”

“Come over. I’ll cook.”

“Not sure I’ll be much company.”

“I’ll take whatever I can get.”

Forty-five minutes later, Todd is tucked up on Billy settee, full of Billy’s homemade stew, bread and ale. They’re in a different part of the vicarage than the other time Todd had been visited. It’s set towards the back, by the kitchen, separated by a double door almost as if the front of the house is meant for official business and this is where Billy really lives.

The furniture is more comfortable and the decor is decidedly less Jesus-y. Instead, there are framed photos of the Grecian sea and the Prague skyline. There is a large print of a modern artist, one Todd probably should know but doesn’t, mounted over the telly. Todd can’t help but think he’s seeing a side of Billy he hasn’t before. The Billy before the dog collar.

Billy returns from the kitchen with two cold beers and hands Todd one without a word. They’d been quiet at dinner too. Both a bit sad. Both still feeling their own version of the same guilt.

So when Billy reaches for him, it is more out of comfort than desire. He pulls Todd next to him on the couch, making room so the can lay next to each other. They fit, but the it’s tight quarters, which in the end is probably a good time. They lay like that, enjoying the silence save their own breathing, for several long minutes.

When he finally turns to kiss Todd it’s only once, slow but beautiful. Then he stops, pulling back look at Todd’s face, making sure this is helping Todd as much as it’s helping him. When he sees that it is, he chances a smile, one Todd returns, and kisses him again.

From the hesitance grows the heat. From the comfort comes the need.

Before long, their bodies are turned together, Billy’s knee tucked between Todd’s thighs. Hands spread wide across the fabric of backs, fingers trail through hair - gelled back and summer-short. Todd’s tongue tastes the thin scar on Billy’s lower lip; his lips trail down Billy’s jaw to the hollow at the base of his throat and back up again. Billy’s finger tips pass thoughtfully down Todd’s spine, continuing past his belt line and finally tucking into one of his back pockets.

They take their time, just as Billy had wished, letting their bodies learn how to be close, enjoying the act of discovering. But there is always that constant echo of _more_ inside Todd’s mind. That need to know where the boundaries will be.

He throws one leg over Billy’s legs, settling his knees on either side of Billy’s hips. He sits back, seeing Billy beneath him for the first time. It’s more gorgeous than he could have imagined. There is no protestation on Billy’s face. No look of scandal or discomfort. Instead he meets Todd’s eyes, with dark, narrowed eyes. His breath short and expectant through his lips

Billy lets him undo the buttons on his shirt, one by one as he had before. But this time as the skin below is revealed, Todd lowers his head and lets his lips follow his fingers, kissing the newly formed path between the buttons.

“All above the belt, I promise,” Todd murmurs with a smirk from down near his navel. Billy simply sighs, head tossed back, his eyes closed to the feeling.

Todd glances lower. He wets his lips, taking in the outline of Billy’s cock, just in reach. What he wouldn’t give to get a glimpse of that tonight. Touch him. Begin to learn what Billy likes, the sounds he makes when he’s about to come. His taste.

But that destination seems too far off and even stranger still, Todd doesn’t even feel like he needs to reach that terminus, because simply being with Billy, the touch of his skin, feeling the trust bloom as Todd doesn’t push too far - that is enough. For now.

He extracts Billy’s shirt tails from his pants and runs his hands from belly to pecs, pushes the article of clothing off Billy’s shoulders as he goes.

Then Todd freezes.

He gapes, staring at the unexpected swath of painted skin.

“Seriously?”

Billy looks too, mildly amused. “What? Never seen a vicar with a tattoo before?”

“Uhh...no,” Todd says with a laugh, even as his fingers follow the outline. Billy lifts his shoulder off the cushion so Todd, in awe, can trace the whole thing. “Does it mean something?”

Billy props himself up on his elbows as Todd sits back. “Not the tattoo itself but the act of getting it...that was pretty damn symbolic.”

Todd gives him a curious look. “Well, you know you’re gonna have to tell me now.”

Billy gives him a warm obliging smile before beginning.

“So, I’ve told you about my old man throwing me out when I came out?” Todd nods. He remembers how touched he’d been that day, knowing that Billy trusted him enough to open up about his brother and his past. If he’s honest, that was the day Todd began seeing Billy as his own friend, someone he could rely on too, and not just Sean’s fella.

“Well, I was lucky,” Billy continues. “I had a group of friends who looked out for me. Made sure I had a job. Someplace to stay. I honestly don’t know what would have happened to me without them. We were all young and out and...I don’t know, in some ways that was the happiest time in my life.” His eyes drift off, softening with memory. “And this…” He gestures to his shoulder. “This was a way stamp a claim on my life. Prove that I wasn’t going to live the way anyone else expected me to. Just the way I felt was most honest.”

Todd listens with adoration. “How old were you?”

“18.”

Todd thinks of where he’d been at 18. He hadn’t even met Karl yet. Was still living with Sarah. Expecting a baby. Denying that the one time he’d kissed a man had been the only honest thing he’d ever done in his life. And yet, Billy had been out already, living an honest and proud life with no shame. Todd feels amazingly proud of him.

So he reaches down and kisses that symbol of Billy’s bravery. He starts near his collarbone, following the amorphous blue under Billy’s skin lower to the muscle of his chest. The fine hairs on Billy’s pecs bristle on his tongue as he laves one his nipples leaving it pert in the summer heat.

And finds that’s when he finds it: the line. The line past which Billy isn’t quite yet ready to cross.

For a moment, Todd feels like a little boy who knows he’s pushed his mother’s limits, sheepish and embarrassed, but the way Billy pulls him close not just with a arms but the wrap of his calf around Todd’s knee, the tuck of his chin over Todd’s head, leaves him instead with a contented peace.

“Where are those mates now?” Todd asks, a few minutes later his hand curled around the warm skin of Billy’s side.

“I wish I knew.”

“You lost touch with them?”

“Telling your group of party boy mates that you’re ready to leave that lifestyle behind and join the church isn’t a great way to garner support or understanding. I may have gained a life’s purpose through my calling, but there was still plenty I Iost.”

At that word, Todd is reminded of why they are here. Why their mood had been so somber, their touches had been so slow at the start. Sean’s words from earlier that day ring again in his ears, the barrage of truths that they had both more than deserved.

But there had been one particular statement in Sean’s tirade that had left Todd not only guilt ridden, but sympathetic too.

“He called you the love his life today.”

Billy breathes in, slow and deep at Todd’s quiet words. His ribs expand with the breath and Todd slots his fingers between them, holding on even tighter as Billy sighs out quickly.

“Yeah. Yeah, he did,” he says wearily.

“And you...Don’t feel the same way?” Todd tries to quiet the insecurity in his voice.

“Obviously,” Billy says, and from the sound of his voice Todd can tell Billy is trying to hide a smile. “But even so,” his voice sombers. “That one cut cut extra deep. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for the way I treated him.”

Talk about cutting deep. Todd sits himself up on one arm to look down at Billy who seems surprised by the abrupt movement. “Look, maybe this was a bad idea,” he says with a pained expression. “Maybe we...rushed things?”

“No, no, Todd, that’s not what I meant at all.” Billy reaches up, soothing Todd’s face with the pad of his thumb. His eyes are bright and urgent. “Look, Sean was the first man that I had been with since joining the church...and I think I was so determined to prove that I could make it work - having a boyfriend and the collar - that I forgot to notice that I wasn’t really that happy with him.”

Todd is genuinely surprised by this statement. Sean and Billy always seemed to have this sickeningly perfect romance. At least until the end when Todd hated everything about it because he was so jealous.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” he continues at the change in Todd’s expression. “I did genuinely love him. But not enough to spend my life with him. Things had been rocky even before I started having feelings for you. I could have saved a lot of heartache if I’d just been honest with him ages ago.”

That seems to be a recurring theme, honesty. A sentiment that Todd doesn’t have the best track record with.  But he feels the need for it two.  To have all his cards on the table with Billy.  

“And now?” Todd asks, distracting himself from Billy’s thoughtful look by playing with one of the buttons on his still open shirt. “You still just trying to prove you can do it all?”

A slow smile warms Billy’s face and he nods. Todd’s breath quickens at the sight of it.

“No,” he catches Todd’s hand, bringing their fingers to rest on his chest. “This is different. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Maybe ever.”

Todd feels a blush fill his cheeks at Billy’s openness, how freely his feelings are given and expressed. It’s kind of intimacy for Todd and he feels an elated flutter in his chest. I _s is possible to fall in love with someone before you even seen them naked?_ he wonders.

He gets his answer as he replies, “Me neither,” and Billy’s face breaks in a smile as wide and as warm as the summer sun.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally made up scene that leads to a canon reference.

It’s going to happen, Todd is sure of it. This whole “taking things slow” was going to come to an end. Tonight. All Todd had to do was survive the car ride back to Coronation Street from Canal Street and he’d finally get Billy Mayhew between the sheets.

He had been like a different man at the club tonight. His head tipped back under the flashing colored lights, it was impossible to imagine that this man, full of reckless smiles and the Vicar of Saint Mary’s could be one and the same. It was as if you took him out of the dog collar and away from their community and Billy could be free. Of course, they’d both had enough to let the edges of reality begin to slur, their skin warm and rosy from the booze as well as the dancefloor.

Every look Billy had given him had dripped with want. Come hither, now. His hands had wandered from the shell of Todd’s ears, down his sides to find the skin, prickled with sweat, at the small of his back. Then his hands had headed southwards, his tongue filling Todd’s mouth as he cupped Todd’s ass, pulling them together in a slow grind against the heavy beat.

Had Billy been anyone else, Todd would have dragged him into a bathroom stall or out into an alleyway hours ago. But Billy deserved better than something fast and rough. Todd was going to savor this first time of theirs, as it had been hard fought and won.

The whole ride home, as Billy’s palm is heavy on the inside of his thigh, he imagines leading Billy upstairs to his room. Closing the door quietly so not to give his mum any idea what is about to happen. Removing each piece of Billy’s clothes slowly and reverently, before throwing him on the bed and having his way.

Todd is kissing him again before Billy can even put the car in park.

Billy leans across the gear shifter, the lights of the dashboard glowing red and yellow across his skin.

“I had such a great time tonight, Todd,” he murmurs against Todd’s lips. And that’s when Todd realizes the car is still running.

“Are you not coming in?”

Billy’s still a bit winded from the kiss. “It’s late. I should get back.”

“What?” Todd jokes, his hand sliding slowly up the inside of Billy’s thigh. His tongue flits against then his lips suck on the soft part to Billy’s ear. “Afraid of what will happen if you come inside?”

“No, I’m not afraid,” Billy manages as he tilts his head, letting Todd work his way down his neck.  “I’m just not…”

His words stop in his throat, cut off by Todd’s hand firm but gentle on his cock.

This is new. This look of mild panic in Billy’s eyes. The sudden uncertainty of what Todd might do. The mild shock as he realized just how much he hopes Todd will do it.

Todd holds his eyes steady, daring him to look away. He doesn’t. He applies an incremental amount of weight and feels the long shaft twitch under his palm.

“This isn’t me pressuring you. This is me knowing that you want me as much as I want you.”

“Of course I do.” Billy swallows.

“Then come inside,” Todd breathes.

“It isn’t that simple.”

“Feels pretty simple to me.” Todd curls his fingers over the denim, the heel of his hand pressing against the head of Billy’s cock. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t feel damn good, too.

“Stop.” Billy says shortly pushing Todd away roughly.

Todd settles himself back in his seat, covering his face with both palms, trying really hard not to become annoyed. Even though he is.

“I’m sorry, Todd but you know how I feel about waiting. I’ve never been one to just hand it out to just anyone...”

“What, like I do?” Todd snaps, hurt flashing in his eyes.

Billy looks at him calmly, not rising to Todd drama. “I don’t judge you or the choices you’ve made about who you sleep with. But I made my own choices too, a long time ago, and sleeping with someone, it’s always meant a lot.”

Todd stares out into the darkness through the windshield. His buzz seems to have worn off along with his erection. He sneaks a peek at Billy who looks completely downtrodden over this tiff of theirs.

“I’m sorry,” Todd says, reaching for Billy’s hand. The other man takes it eagerly, lacing their fingers together and holding strong.

“Don’t. You’ve been brilliant. I know this isn’t easy, waiting.”

Todd lolls his head back against the headrest. “It would be if you weren’t so bloody gorgeous and I didn’t care about you so damn much.”

Billy smiles, small and sweet, his shoulders relaxing as they clear the air.

“How many people have you slept with, if you don’t mind me asking? Not just hooking up, but you know...actual sex.”

“Is that what we’re doing now? The whole ‘What’s your number’ talk?”

There aren’t many street lights outside, but there are enough that Todd can see the lightness in Billy’s eyes.

“Why not. I’ll tell you mine,” Todd says playfully.

“Do you actually know yours?”

“Within a margin of error,” Todd answers with a laugh.

Billy rolls his eyes then says, “5.” Plain and simple, giving Todd a moment to absorb the quality of that number. Then he breathes deep and turns towards Todd, his hand resting briefly on the handbrake before handing on Todd’s jaw.

“And you will be number 6.” His eyes are heavy again, like they had been in the club. “We will have amazing, sweaty, intimate, loud, beautiful, raunchy, intense sex, Todd. And we’ll have lots of it. I will figure out exactly what you like to touch you to turn you on. Memorize what you sound like as I make you come. Learn every inch of your skin.”

Todd finds his breath catching, his skin turning red under Billy’s gaze. The words seem all the dirtier because it is Billy who is saying them. He grazes his lips against Todd’s, a feathery tease.

“But not tonight.”

Todd’s eyes flutter closed and he nods, accepting his plight to remain celibate another night. But after that speech…

“This isn’t about me needing to get my leg over, Billy, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

This next kiss is steady, long and tender. “I don’t know how much longer you’ll need to.”

Which is why, a few mornings later when Tracy sees them sharing a laugh and kiss on the street and suggests the get a room, Todd does just that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit warning applies here.

He’d come to the vicarage to apologize. His head had still been banging after too many pints with whisky chasers the night before and too many sharp words from Tracy and Eva. He’d tried to erase his stupidity with alcohol. Obviously it hadn’t worked and so all he’d been just left with a hangover and the grim reality that Billy might never forgive him unless he really tried.

But as it turns out, apologizing isn’t so terrible when you’re genuinely sorry. And talking about your feelings isn’t so scary when you trust your partner so completely.

“So, em...Where’d you go? After you walked out?” Billy had asked, his voice strained with poorly hidden concern. That had been the moment Todd realized, it wasn’t the joke about the Bishop that had Billy so upset but the thought that Todd had been with someone else.

“I got wrecked and went home.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah.” He’d said, insistent.

A small smile had played across Billy’s lips. “It’s just that...you said you were going out looking for some action.”

The turn of phrase had sounded strange on Billy’s tongue and Todd found it completely endearing. He’d pressed his lips together, trying not to smile. “No,” He’d said instead. “I just walked around for hours thinking about you and me. Billy, I really want to make this work, you know that?”

“Me too.”

And then they’d kissed. But hadn’t been just any kiss - but a kiss that spoke volumes. A kiss that wrote treatises of forgiveness and trust and want across Todd’s tongue, so that when Billy’s pulled back his eyes tender, his hand trailing from his face and over his chest to clasp onto his, Todd had known.

 _Finally_.

“Are we really doing this?” He’d asked, as they’d started up the stairs Billy’s bedroom.

Billy had turned to face him, one foot already on the next step. He’d looked so resolute and beautiful. “Yeah.”

With that, the floodgates had opened. They’d tumbled together up the stairs, articles of clothes shed between kisses, the drama of the day before all but forgotten.

And now Todd finds himself caught in the last place he had expected when he’d knocked on Billy’s door just a few minutes before. In this maddening balance between wanting to savor everything - every fresh glimpse of skin, every kiss to those previously hidden places, every long sigh from Billy’s lips, every shared look laden with intent - and being so desperate, having wanted this for so bloody long, that he finds himself unable to do anything but rush towards some sort of blissful conclusion. This goes so beyond want now, beyond need, but requisite inevitability.

Todd kneels between Billy’s thighs. The mid-morning sun streaming in from the nearby window and it plays across Billy’s body, creating highlights and shadows and Todd still can’t quite believe his luck. It’s not the Malmsbury but this is spectacular.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Todd murmurs, his fingertips sending a shiver through Billy’s veins as they skitter over his ribcage, kisses following in their wake. He glances up the length of Billy’s torso so see him react to the complement. A languid smile, a press of his fingers back through his hair.

Todd’s attention drifts ever lower to the one remaining article of clothing Billy still has on. He curls his fingers into the waistband of the tight boxers and can’t help but notice the small circle, dark gray and damp, that has formed on front of his shorts at the tip of his cock. Todd nearly growls at the sight of it, wanting so desperately to see, to touch, to _taste_.

But still he pauses, giving Billy one last chance to back out if he needs to. Instead, Billy plants his heels against the mattress and lifts his hips giving room for Todd to strip the clothing away, leaving him completely naked.

There is this overwhelming, crushing surge of...everything in Todd’s chest. Intense affection, gratitude, awe. But even as he feels these emotions with a complexity he hasn’t in a very long time, at that moment, the most pressing need is to lick the bead of pre-cum leaking from Billy’s cock.

So he does with little preamble and hardly any thought. It’s only after that the worry of _too fast_ , flashes through his mind.

But instead, Billy gasps as his head snaps up the pillow case, his eyes wild, his teeth set - waiting for more. Todd has seen that look plenty of times with other men, but never has it made him so eager to plant his palm at the base of a man’s cock, slip the swollen tip past his lips, over his tongue and suck.

Billy doesn’t curse as Todd works the length of him. Of course he doesn’t. To do so would be impure even in this, the impurest of moments. Instead, there are moans so low and rumbling Todd feels them more than hears them. There are fingers, gentle and insistent at the curve of his working jaw. Then, as Todd follows where those wordless signals lead, changing his pace, the amount of suction, the force of his grip, then he is gifted with words.

“Yes, Todd. Just like that. Don’t stop, don’t stop…” The words fade into another choked exhale.

Todd could do this for hours. Because sex is a big deal for him, too. Sure there are plenty of partners whose names - hell, whose faces - Todd can’t even recall. But this, knowing this side of someone you care about, the carnal, animalistic side, where they let down any and all walls and let go, is what makes a relationship complete. And Todd has never wanted to know someone so completely before in his life as he does with Billy.

He can feel the extra rush of blood fill his cock as Billy gets close. He notices just how turned on he is too just as Billy pants, “Todd, Todd...I’m gonna…”

He smiles around Billy’s orgasm, humming as he swallows. He’s more content than he’s been in weeks.

“That was spectacular,” Billy breathes as he pulls Todd up to meet his lips. He feels boneless beneath him, limbs uncoordinated and slow as they kiss, all rush and frenzy gone. But the post-orgasmic haze doesn’t last long. Soon he has the strength to flip Todd onto his backside, settling his hips in the cradle of Todd’s.

“I’d be happy to return the favor,” Billy growls, his palm cupping Todd’s balls then dragging slowly up the length of his erection.

“Don’t tease,” Todd gasps. “I’m at my whits end here.”

Todd’s head falls back against the pillows as Billy beings to jerk him off slowly, almost achingly, a sound most akin to a whimper coming from his throat.

“But if I’m honest,” Billy murmurs, low and intimate, his hand still moving at a beggar's pace. “There’s something else I’d really love to do to you.”

Todd opens his eyes to Billy’s gaze.

Todd understands completely what Billy is insinuating and still he’s surprised. Everything between the sheets was an unknown dynamic between them, so the whole issue of top v. bottom had never really been discussed.

It’s been ages since Todd has done that, allowed himself to be opened up for another man. But as Billy presses a single finger against his arsehole and whispers, “I want to feel you, Todd,” against his ear, Todd can think of nothing in the universe he wants more than just that.

He answers Billy with a kiss.

Lube and a prophylactic are retrieved with relative quickness and finesse. both the box and bottle brand new, indicating some premeditation on the vicar’s part. Todd can’t help but flash him an impressed smirk and he’s pretty sure Billy blushes.

With careful attention, Billy glides his hand down the inside of Todd’s thigh, hooking his wrist behind Todd’s knee to bend it, his foot coming flat on the bed, giving him better access to the most hidden part of Todd’s anatomy. The first finger, cool and wet, slides in easily and Todd remembers the incongruous feeling someone else inside his body being both foreign and natural all at once.

“Alright?” Billy asks as he inserts another finger in alongside the first.

“Course. Feels amazing.” Because Billy is good at this, the patient preparation. He takes his time, feeling the length of the inside of Todd’s body, relaxing the muscles. Todd’s erection, which had flagged at the first tinge of penetration, springs back, encouraged by several pumps of Billy’s hand, the occasional swirl of his tongue across the head.

“Roll over,” Billy says. “On your side.”

Todd turns. From behind him, he hears the condom wrapper ripped, the snap of the lube bottle opening and closing. The anticipation builds along with no small amount of nerves.

“Don’t condemn me to 30 Hail Mary’s if I take the Lord’s name in vain here, alright?” Todd says,

Billy chuckles near his ear. “Wouldn’t be doing a very good job if I didn’t make you, now would I? Tell me if it gets to be too much.”

Billy’s cock feels nothing like the easy glide of those fingers, the blunt head alone leaves him feeling over full. He winces and Billy stops.

Even though his eyes are closed, he knows Billy is watching him intently, gauging his readiness, giving him the chance to adjust, waiting for him just like Todd had waited for Billy. Todd feels so cared for in that moment and he takes Billy’s arm, that had previously been stretched out beneath the pair of them on the mattress, and curls it across his chest, linking their fingers together as he does.

“Ok?” Billy gasps. He’s trembling. Todd nods, pushing his arse back against Billy’s body.

“Ah, Todd…” Billy sighs, as their hips begin a slow rock. “Feels amazing.”

The whole act is amazing. But instead of those lewd words Todd had anticipated, he is too overwhelmed to even speak.

It’s not just that he’s finally feeling that long awaited, physical act, performed by an excellent lover. But the feelings that ripple around them lend an intensity Todd has not experienced in a very long time. This is not a fuck, even as their bodies begin to move faster, their slick skin beginning to smack together.

This is making love. And he’s very aware that if he opens his mouth now, the only words that will come out are _I love you, I love you, God, Billy I love you._ Because it would be true. He loves Billy so very much, the realization crashing through him along with a wordless cry as they both reach the crest of their orgasm, Todd cradled in Billy’s strong arms, Billy’s head pressed into the crook of Todd’s shoulder.

Todd is quiet in the afterglow. He turns chest to chest and holds Billy close, placing kisses to his damp brow, waiting as their hearts fall into a calmer rhythm. He is quiet as Billy tidies up. Binning the condom and putting the extras back in his night stand. He goes to the en suite bath and comes back wearing a dark blue robe, with a towel for Todd to clean himself up with. He sits on the edge of the bed and offers Todd the towel.

“The first time I had sex with a boy, I was 18.” Todd takes the towel and listenes as he wipes down the mess on his belly. “He was a lad from the next village over, Reece Ebersly was his name. I think our families knew each other from church or something...But we’d snuck into my room one day when my father was out and when we’d finished, he just lay there on the bed. Silent. Staring at the ceiling. I mean, I was beaming,” He chuckles. “I’d just had sex and actually enjoyed it, not like those times with before with a girl which felt more like a chore,” Billy shakes his head sadly. “But I could tell he felt horrified. Ashamed.”

He looks at Todd, a small wrinkle of worry between his brows. “I’m hoping this is a different kind of silence.”

Todd reaches for him, pulling him on top of him once more. This time, the weight of Billy’s body doesn’t fill him with maddening need, just comfort. He threads his fingers through the short hairs at the back of Billy’s head. “Course it is,” he whispers after a soft kiss. “I was just caught up in my own head space for a while. That was...intense.”

“Good intense?”

“Yes,” Todd says with a laugh, wondering if Billy is actually looking for confirmation or just compliments. “That was….” Todd’s head races with the perfect platitude. Incredible, amazing, the best sex I’ve had in ages, maybe ever…

But instead he chooses the simple truth, one that leaves Billy beaming from ear to ear.

“That was worth waiting for.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey, don’t be like that.”

Todd pulls Billy’s calming hand away from his neck, with a definitive uptick in his anger. “Oh what, am I being the over sensitive one now, yeah?”

“It’s just...it’s complicated,” Billy stutters.

“No, it’s not complicated.” Todd slams his beer down on the table. “You couldn’t have made it any simpler.”

With a haughty swagger, Todd goes into the other room, leaving Billy, speechless, behind.

If this is their first fight, Todd doesn’t like the feel of it one bit.

It was going to be a perfectly simple night in: movie, pizza, beers. But instead Billy comes in and starts going on about Todd “finding a flat” and having a “plan”. Summing his relationship up with Todd to “just a couple of dates”.

Is it any wonder then that, as Todd flattens his palms against the cool granite of the kitchen counter, he is left feeling unwanted and out of a place? Like the thought of them shacking up together is the last thing in the world Billy wants?

Hadn’t it been amazing the night before? Tucked into Billy’s bed, surrounded by the private quiet of the church grounds. They had edged each other along, making love for what had felt like hours before finally climaxing together, bodies drenched and trembling, eyes wide open and full of awe. Hadn’t it felt right waking up next to Billy this morning, his eyes the bluest of blues in the growing light?

He isn’t left on his own for long, though, giving him little time to wander down that worrisome path any further. Billy finds him presently, his hand landing warm and steady on the small of Todd’s back. The simple touch is enough to knock Todd’s irritation down one level.

“I didn’t mean to get on your case. And I certainly didn’t mean to have a go,” Billy says, sincerely but Todd rolls his eyes, not ready to give up his moodiness quite yet. “It’s just I’m not really used to having someone staying with me, least of all my boyfriend. This is just uncharted territory for me.”

“Uncharted territory?” Todd repeats. “You were in a serious relationship for the past year and half...”

“Yeah, but this was never an issue with Sean. He was fine with being...well, not secretive, but... subtle,” Billy says when he finds the right adjective.

Todd snorts. “Sean? Subtle?”

“In this and nothing else. Almost to a fault, too. We rarely spent the night here, always happy enough to say goodnight in the car or slip in through the side door after hours or leave before it got too late. He never pressed the issue, so neither did I.”

Todd thinks of all the times, already, that Billy has kissed him in the middle of the street, put his arms around him at the pub and made it abundantly clear to any and all that they are together. He thinks of the time he has already spent here at the vicarage, coming and going in the passenger seat of Billy’s car, not hiding his presence from anyone, not even a little bit. That fact brings his crankiness down a few degrees.

Still….

“I’m not Sean though, Billy.”

“And thank God for that,” Billy says with a laugh. He steps in close, pulling Todd against him lightly by the waist. Begrudgingly, even more anger ebbs away as he settles into Billy’s embrace. “Look, can we just forget what I said? Because you’re right, right now, I just want to spend the night with you. Let’s eat too much pizza and get grossed out by your slasher movie…”

“Ah, it’s a zombie movie actually,” Todd corrects and Billy laughs.

“Ok, zombies it is. Then once it’s over, I want to take my boyfriend up to bed, hold him all night long and wake him up slowly in the morning,”

Todd wants to hold onto that last remaining bit of attitude but he can’t. Not with the supple way Billy forms those words, the way he tilts his head and presents his lips in such a kissable fashion.

The pizza is cold by the time they get back into the sitting room, but it still tastes great. The movie is wretched, so they end up laughing their way through most of the gruesome scenes, making fun of the acting and predictable plot, which is probably more enjoyable in the end. As the credits roll, Todd realizes the evening looks pretty the way he had planned, if not for the stain their fight had left on it.

Billy yawns, his body stretching long next to Todd’s on the couch.

“Tired?” Todd asks.

Billy hums, a flirty smile curling the corners of his lips. “Not that tired,” he says as his body morphs, curling into Todd’s side.

The kiss is unhurried and insinuating. Gorgeous, just like every time. And Todd hates the craving that overwhelms him just from this mild touch. The feelings of rightness and completion and home that come with Billy’s hands on his body.

It had all been well and good to pretend during the movie that everything was fine. But there is a bit of emotional whiplash that Todd still can’t quite wrap his head around. Billy wants him in his bed, but not to share. Billy is ok with him to staying tonight, but who knows about tomorrow. Billy says he’s never felt like this about anyone else before but isn’t willing to take that extra leap.

Todd stops him before it leads too far. “I was thinking I might take a shower, if that’s alright?” he says. “Wash the day away, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah. Course.” Billy smiles, smoothing his hands across Todd’s chest, but Todd can tell he’s a bit confused as to why Todd would stop something so good. And disappointed.

Todd goes upstairs as Billy tidies up. He turns on the shower, slipping out of his tee-shirt and pajama bottoms. As the water comes up to temperature, Todd tries to rationalize Billy’s point of view. Maybe it is a bit too soon to be an officially cohabiting couple. After all, he’d been with Jules nearly 9 months before they’d gotten their place together. He’d demanded Marcus move in almost right away, but he’d had other unsavory reasons for that and far fewer longer term goals than he does with Billy.

The water falls hot and steady on his back. He steps further under the water, letting it hit the back of his skull and and watching as it falls to the drain in heavy rivulets. He sighs, the sound echoing in the narrow space of the shower.

“Mind if I join you?”

His head snaps up. He runs his hand quickly across his face, wiping the water away and turns to see Billy standing, naked behind him. He hadn’t even heard him come into the bathroom.

Todd feels heat rise in his cheeks, a warmth that has nothing to do with the temperature of the water. Billy closes the space between them, their bodies pressing together under the spray. For a moment they just stand there, kissing. Enjoying the new sensation as their wet-warm skin connects. The ache in Todd’s groin mounts, his cock growing heavy, only becoming more pronounced as Billy reaches for a bottle of body wash and begins to lather soap over Todd’s body.

He starts with Todd’s chest, spreading the bubbles up over his shoulders and down his biceps. Todd’s head falls back, landing against the cool tiles with a soft thud. He sighs again, but it’s different this time. Slow and throaty. A sound of resignation. Of not being able to resist. It makes Billy smile and his hands drift lower.

They fall to his waist, applying just enough pressure encourage Todd to turn around. The water lands on his back now, rinsing away the soap almost as quickly as Billy can apply it.

And just as Billy has been with every aspect of their newly blossomed physical relationship, he is fastidious here too. Ensuring every inch of Todd’s body clean and tended to, he falling to his knees to wash the skin at the back of his knees, the taught skin of his achilles.

He thinks about making some joke about Jesus and washing feet of sinners, but the comment falls short. Eclipsed by the swipe of Billy’s soapy fingers between the cleft of his arse, the press of his thumbs prying the cheeks apart to rinse it clean, followed by the undulating flesh of his tongue pressed against his hole.

Nothing Billy does should surprise him anymore and yet, Todd still finds himself unprepared for this.

“Billy,” he keens, shamelessly spreading his legs wide, bracing his forearms against the wall of the shower. “Fuck.”

He hears a muffled grunt from behind, Billy’s hands gentle, his tongue weaving exquisite shapes over the most private part of his body. It’s something Todd has always found a bit verboten, salacious and intensely intimate. A way of pleasing only your most trusted and beloved of partners. He takes a quick glance over his shoulder and whimpers the sight of Billy on his knees, fallen for a completely different kind of prayer.

The pleasure is nearly as overwhelming as the intense clutch of adoration he feels around his heart, and it is that feeling that motivates Todd to turn, pulling Billy up to meet him all in one swift, needy motion.

He kisses him deep, gladly accepting the musky taste of his own skin on Billy’s tongue. Billy moans into his mouth, rock hard and frenetic. He presses Todd firmly back against the shower wall, hiking Todd’s thigh up over his hip to bring them even closer. They rock together, their cocks sliding deliciously against each other with the slip of the cascading water and residual soap. It’s clear both men are close, their accelerated breaths catching and releasing a similarly desperate pace.

Billy’s hand falls away from where it had had a strong grip on the back of his throat to slip between their bodies, taking both their lengths in his hand. Todd cries out as Billy strokes them together. Once, twice, three times is all they need.

Todd catches Billy as he falls against him, the steam of the shower hot against their flushed skin. A steady stream of breathless words slip from Billy’s lips, words that Todd can’t quite make out over the sound of the shower.  
  
“Thank you,” he finally hears Billy gasp. Then again more firmly. “Thank you.”

Todd spreads his palms against the flat of Billy’s back, his biceps working to hold him close.

“Me?” He presses a kiss to Billy’s temple. “I hardly lifted a finger during that encounter.”

Billy pulls back, his breath still coming quick and shallow through his nose. He smiles softly at Todd. “I wasn’t thanking you.”

It takes a moment and a not too subtle glance towards the heavens for Todd to fully understand exactly to whom or what Billy had been giving his gratitude. The realization hits Todd full on, shattering him to the core. Once again those 3 little words teeter on the tip of Todd’s tongue, knowing in his heart that if he said them, he’d hear them in return.

It’s all too overwhelming, if he’s honest. To feel so wanted and so adored by this exceptional man. A man who has no business loving the likes of him. Those words of love and commitment and forever have started swimming through his daydreams with an urgency he’s never experienced before. Because with Billy...God, with Billy he looks at him and wants _everything_. And that is terrifying.

Because the last time Todd had felt even remotely this close to another man...well, to say it had ended badly would be an understatement. In fact, it’s ending had been his undoing. The experience that twisted him. The relationship that ruined him. Helped morph him into the vindictive, manipulative creature he’d been and fears he still could be.

So when Billy tells him he, over breakfast Monday morning at Roy’s, that he does wish Todd staying with him could be permanent if it weren’t for that pesky issue of where he hangs his hat and how he makes his living, it’s all too easy for Todd to follow that tenuous, dangerous thread and pull. To test its tensile limits and see how far he can go until it breaks.

He hates himself when he picks up the phone and calls the Bishop. Offering up his pseudonym and false claims of church unrest. But he does it anyway.

And the next day, as Billy happily speaks of “our life” and “leaving the church”, Todd finally does tell him he loves him. Not only because he’s never said anything more honest in his life, but as a preemptive apology for what comes next.

And when it does come, when that thread snaps back in his face, when Billy finishes with him - complete with an accurate assessment of “the real Todd” - he cries and he grieves and he can barely get out of bed in the morning he hurts so much. But he’s not surprised.

Not even a little.


	7. Chapter 7

  
It’s an unnatural kind of sleepiness. It feels like there is a filmy layer between Todd and the rest of the world. Like he can’t quite focus on anything and like his clothes weigh too much.

The PEP regimen is clearly much stronger than when he’d last taken it nearly ten years before.

It’s also been a hell of a day, so that doesn’t help. But his lethargy doesn’t seem so problematic now with Billy moving through the house around him. Making sure Todd has enough water to keep him hydrated. Bringing down blankets from the guest room to keep him comfortable on the couch. Chatting away easily about his day as he cleaned up after their light dinner, chipper and happy to have Todd back in his home as if their breakup had never happened.

No more secrets. No more lies.

Those had been Billy’s stipulations for their reunion. And even though Todd knew he’d never be able to give him that, Todd had needed Billy back so badly that he’d been prepared to carry another lie along with him just to have him. It was for Todd’s own safety that he’d kept mute about his deal with Pat and Vinny, after all. And Billy’s safety too.

Todd’s only remaining hope is that if the truth ever does come out, Billy will find a way to do the Christian thing and forgive.

“So I’ll have to send them another email tomorrow and try to find a date that works for everyone. They obviously don’t have WiFi when they are out on the site, so it can take a while to get a response.”

Billy flops down on the couch next to him for what feels like the first time all evening.   
“I’m sorry,” Billy says when he notices Todd’s lack of response. “I’ve been going on about Kenya all night, haven’t I? Guess I’m just excited, now that I know I can go.”

“It’s fine,” Todd says, running his palm down Billy’s arm. “I’m really pleased for you.” Just not pleased by the means he’ll use to get there.

Billy puts his feet up on the coffee table and snuggles against Todd’s side, his head resting just over his heart. Their bodies fit together so comfortably and Todd wonders how he would have gone the rest of his life never feeling this easy comfort with Billy ever again. With a kiss to the top of Billy’s head, he thanks his lucky stars he won’t have to find out.

Billy’s arm squeeze him tightly for a moment. “I’m just pleased you’re here. You’ll stay, won’t you?”

“Well, yeah but do you sure that’s a good idea?” Todd asks, pulling back to look at Billy.

Billy lifts his head to smirk at him. “I don’t think we’ll be getting any complaints from Mr. Harrison any time soon, do you?”

Todd groans, his head falling back against the top of the couch. This leaves his neck exposed for Billy to kiss playfully, his fingers dancing against his jaw. “I really am sorry though, Billy,” Todd insists.

“It’s in the past,” he states with a pragmatic nod. “You’ve apologized and for me that’s enough. I’m the one who owes the apology.”

“You?”

Billy slides his hand down Todd’s chest, coming to rest between his pecs. He watches the motion, bashful in his atonement. “What I said when I finished with you...about the real you…I was lashing out.” Todd covers Billy’s hand with his and their eyes meet. “The real you is complex and tender and caring and sarcastic and smart and...”

“Go on,” Todd says with a grin.

“And beautiful.” Billy’s voice is multilayered, filled with playfulness and wonder. “And sexy.”

“Oh aye?” Todd’s grin widens to a full on smile as Billy leans in for a kiss. He swings one knee across Todd’s outstretched legs, settling himself in Todd’s lap. Todd’s hands find Billy’s hips, holding the narrow bones in both his palms.

“And I love him.”

Todd breathes into the moment. The medicated haze lends a languid pace to the kissing. Tongues warm and slow against each other. Fingertips flit and press, never lingering for too long. Never insisting.

“Want to take this upstairs?” Billy asks. Todd’s hands are flat on the broad muscles of Billy’s back, their foreheads touching.

And of course Todd wants, but the questions of whether they should is more pressing. “I, ah…”

“What?” Billy asks.

The incident with the needle had lead directly to Todd reliving his history with Sam. Once again having to face up to the fear of HIV. It had been a brutal re-education to how vicious and real that danger is.

“Todd?” Billy says, again more insistent.

“We can’t, Billy. Not while I’m on the PEP.”

Billy looks at him, confused. Giving a small shake of his head as his brow creases. “That’s not part of the medication directions is it?”

“No, Billy... _I_ can’t. Not until I’m sure…”

That’s when Billy understands. He slides from Todd’s lap. “You’re not actually worried that you got infected are you?”

“Not really but…”

“The doctors said it was just a precaution. You took the first dose within only a few hours of exposure, even if the needle had been infected, which we aren’t even sure if it was, that ups the effective rate by nearly 15%.”

Todd gives him an appraising look. “Alright, Dr. Mayhew.”

Billy blushes. “I...may have done some reading about it the night after we got back the hospital.” Todd gives him an innocent smile, oddly touched. “I was worried, alright?” Billy’s gentle smack to Todd’s thigh leaves them both laughing gently.

“I just...need to be sure. I won’t risk it, Billy,” Todd says, as the laughter cools.

“It’s a 28 day regimen. You really want to wait another three and a half weeks before we…” His eyebrow flicks up, his head nods towards his bedroom upstairs.

“I’ll have you remember that I very patiently waited two months for you. You saying you can’t wait a measly three weeks?”

“Oh is this a challenge, now?” Billy asks, his eyes sparkling with laughter. Todd is struck by how beautiful Billy’s smiling face is.

“Maybe?” Todd says. “But I can think of other ways to have fun that are pretty much risk free.”

He slides his palm up the front of Billy’s jeans, undoing the tongue of his belt with a flourished slap of leather. Billy’s breath catches, his bottom lip plump between his teeth.

They find each other a few minutes later, hands down the front of each other pants, wanking each other off like a pair of teenages. It’s fast and a bit silly, and pales in comparison to what they know they can share. But they smile at each other between kisses. And Todd still gets to see that beautiful tension melt off Billy’s face as they both stutter over the edge, falling back against the cushions in the afterglow.

“So, I was thinking...” Billy starts a few minutes later, as he hands Todd a box of tissues to clean himself up. “I know you’ll get your status checked again once your run of PEP is over. What if I did too? That way we could…” He shrugs, his cheeks still a bit flushed. “Well, you know...”

Todd laughs, a painful burst of breath, as Billy unwittingly steps into another corner of Todd’s past.

Up until yesterday at the hospital, Todd hadn't spoken of Sam in years. Hadn’t really even thought of him. Not in any concrete sense, anyway. But their painful backstory of a hard-fought love that was given up on with far too much ease, lives with him every day. Under his skin, manipulating his choices, feeding the fears of _too close, too much, too deep_ that had resulted in so many ill-made, wicked decisions in his life. Just like that scar on his face, Sam is always there to remind him.

“I know it’s a big step but..” Billy says, mildly hurt and completely misunderstanding Todd’s broody silence. “But I don’t want to be with anyone else. Not now...not ever.”

“God, no, Billy neither do I,” Todd says, turning on the couch so he can take both Billy’s hands in his.

He hates that Billy might think he doesn’t want that too and that doesn't appreciate the magnitude of the offer. Unprotected sex is to promise complete fidelity, to share total trust and intimacy. Of course he wants that with Billy, but still the memories haunt.

Todd sighs. “It’s just...this is how Sam found out.”

“What, that he was positive? How do you mean?”

Todd nods, knowing it’s time to go all in. He may not be able to be honest about his involvement with the flat scam, but he can share the truth of his past.

“Things were good for us, you know, finally. We had this little flat together; he’d left his wife. We were happy.”

Billy, who had settled back comfortably on the couch, his hand still warm and comforting against Todd’s knee, gives him a pinched smile. Does it hurt to hear Todd talk about this man whom he’d once loved with every cell of his body? Or does it hurt more to hear about the way this very same man wrecked him? Either way, Billy looks just as pained as these memories unfold as Todd does.

“So it was his idea. Get tested, fuck raw,” Todd doesn’t bother checking his crassness in Billy’d presence. The bitterness in his voice makes it apropos. “I’d never done that with a man before, back then. I’d always been safe. Every time with Karl, every time with Sam. Even those random blokes I’d had when I first moved to London, I’d always used a condom.”

“And thank god for that,” Billy murmurs.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Todd agrees, with a sad scoff. “So it wasn’t meant to be a big deal, you know? Just a routine check to be sure we’d be safe. But these were the days before they could tell you right away, you know? You’d have to wait for the blood work to come back. It could take weeks sometimes.”

Billy nods, remembering the plight of similar waiting periods himself.

“Well, it was a Friday. I’d gotten off work early or something. I noticed there was a message on the machine but I didn’t think much of it. I was knackered and just wanted to put me feet up at the end of a long week, you know? I wasn’t even thinking about some blood test that I knew was going to be fine.”

Todd bites at his lip. 10 years on and still the memories make his chest hurt, his voice quiver. Billy had already seen him in floods of tears yesterday, so maybe it wouldn’t matter so much if it happened again today. Still, he tries to keep his voice even as he goes on.

“So I’m not home for more than a half an hour when Sam comes bursting in, raging, crying. At first I was just really confused that he was home early too but then he...he slammed up against the wall when I came over to greet him. Had his arm at my throat,” Todd gestures meekly at his neck, remembering the hateful touch. “‘Filthy faggot,’ he said. ‘Did this on purpose didn’t you?’”

Billy’s breathing has changed next to him, it’s shallow and brisk through his nose. Todd chances a glance his way only to see tears brimming on the bottoms of his eye lids. That visual is enough for the tears to begin fall down Todd’s cheek, as well.

“I had no idea what he was on about. Did he think I’d cheated on him or told his wife about us? I seriously didn’t know. I finally got him calmed down enough to tell me: the clinic had called. He had HIV.” Billy squeezes his knee and Todd pauses, drawing strength from Billy’s quiet attention. “The strangest thing was, that in that minute, I didn’t care that it probably mean that I had it too or that I’d have to live rest of my life Positive and on meds. No, the only thought in my head was that... I’d just given the man I loved a death sentence.”

Billy moves in closer, wrapping his arm around Todd as if trying to protect him from his own past. He presses his forehead to Todd’s temple and Todd lets his eyes fall closed, a fresh set of tears racing warm over his cheeks as they do.

“What happened next?” Billy asks, voice barely above a whisper.

“Well, that’s when I remembered the message. Figured if they had called him that day, they’d probably called me as well.  And I’ll never forget, I’ll _never_ forget: ‘Hello Mr. Grimshaw, this is the nurse from the Bedford Clinic. I just wanted to let you know that all your STI and HIV testing came back negative. Have a wonderful weekend!’” Todd laughs again, bleak and emotionless. “She’d been so bloody chipper. Wonderful? Felt like my life was over.”

Todd turns into Billy’s embrace now, tapping into his presence and comfort and boundless love.

“This is why I can’t sleep with you, Billy,” he says, catching Billy’s eyes with a frantic urgency. “Not until I’m sure that I’m clean. Even if the likelihood is infinitesimal, I won’t risk it.  I can’t feel like that again, not with you. Because whatever I felt for Sam...it’s nothing, Billy… _nothing_...”

“Shh,” Billy says, clasping Todd gently by the face and tipping his head forward to kiss his brow. “I know, I know. It’s fine, alright? Everything’s fine. We can wait. Whatever you need.”

“I just love you so much, Billy. I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t,” Billy says.

And it sounds like a promise. Like the truth. And for the first time in as long as Todd remembers, these vows of togetherness do not cause him to panic, to find a way to protect himself.

Instead he leans into the feelings even further, presses his face against the crook of Billy’s neck, inhales his scent and believes.


	8. Chapter 8

Turns out, though, three weeks is a really long time to wait when you know what you’re missing.

Back together, more certain of their love than ever before, there is a levity to their life now. Sure, Todd still feels dirty and greasy when he comes home from a day of lying through his teeth, scamming any and all out of their hard earned money. But when they meet up at the pub for a drink after work or Todd comes to the vicarage at the end of a long day, and Billy’s smiles at the sight of him, he is somehow purged.

Still wanting to be careful, they spend the first week of their renewed relationship much like they had their first two months. Kissing like breathing. Bodies alight and hungry. That ever growing anticipation feels bright and warm between them.

And this time, with no threat of refusal, Todd has no shame in sauntering into the kitchen one night as Billy hums by the stove top, running a spoon through something home cooked and fragrant. He spins Billy around by the hips, then pushes Billy back until his legs press against the counter. He wets his lower lip with a lascivious grin and drops to his knees. Cutlery clatter to the floor as Billy’s hands flail out to the side in an attempt to brace himself while Todd blows him fast and hard.

Whatever Billy had been cooking ends up burned, so they order Chinese takeaway and eat it on the sitting-room floor wearing nothing but their boxers and sappy smiles.

A few nights later, with his mum and Phelan sat on the couch just downstairs, Todd kisses Billy silent then lays him bare across his bed. Billy arches for him, wordless and complacent, as if knowing just from the look in Todd’s eyes, exactly what he wants from him. He presses his face into the pillows, fingers white knuckled in Todd’s sheets, muffling his incessant whimpers. Todd presses wet kisses to his skin and Billy’s body rises to meet them. He curls his arse in the air, Todd working him open with alternating fingers and tongue.

“I can’t wait to fuck you some day,” Todd breaths against the shell of Billy’s ear. He covers Billy’s body with his, leaving just enough room between them and the mattress to reach around and pull him off, slowly.

Billy hisses, a soft sound between clenched teeth. The sound morphs to a clipped “Shit,” as Billy spills over Todd’s hand. It’s the only time he’s ever heard Billy curse, in bed or otherwise, so Todd takes that as a small triumph and a good sign.

It’s incredible to lavish this sort of attention on Billy. To give himself over completely for his partner’s satisfaction. It’s the only way to keep Billy safe and to keep him close, and that is all that matters.

But that doesn’t mean Todd doesn’t miss the feeling of being with him, their bodies joined, flesh made one. He misses the power of their love making, their muscles thrusting and pulling and holding and caressing. He misses the heartbreaking way Billy systematically takes him apart, bit by bit, until his mind and body are little more than pure sensation. He misses feeling like the center of Billy’s universe in the heat of the moment and the ache in his body the reminds him of that the morning after.

The tablets left in the bottle dwindle and the side effects wane. He takes each dose with utmost of diligence, one in the morning after breakfast and one again in the evening, just after tea.

Then one morning, the early October morning sun especially bright against the changing leaves of the vicarage grounds, Todd opens the bottle and there are no more left to take.

He doesn’t want to make it a big deal. So, he fills his tea cup and joins Billy at the table. He is struck by how adorable he looks in the morning. Still on sabbatical from the church, mornings are unrushed affairs done in pajamas with bedhead hair.

Todd mutes his smile and rakes his fingernails through the hair at the nape of his neck.

He clears his throat. “I’m, ah, headed to the clinic this morning to, you know...follow up.”

Billy looks up from his paper and swallows his sip of tea quickly. “Oh. Right.”

“You could come, if you want.” Todd scrapes some butter across his toast. The sound seems especially loud after his open ended offer. “But you know, if you’d rather wait…”

“No, no…I’ll come,” He says with a small, slightly nervous but undeniably cute smile.

The nurse wants to talk about how he experienced the side effects, if he missed any doses. All Todd really wants is to give her his blood and know for sure. The results come blissfully quickly with no unexpected surprises.

Billy’s already back in the waiting room by the time Todd is finished. His coat is draped across his knees as he rolls his shirt sleeve down his bandaged elbow.

“And?” He asks, standing upon seeing Todd’s return.

“Crystal clear. You?”

“Same,” Billy breathes, warmth spreading across his face. “Let’s get out of here,” he says, tugging gently on the wrist of Todd’s shirt.

The car ride is riddled with electric expectation.

They barely make it through the front door of the vicarage before Todd has Billy pressed up against the closest flat surface, in this case the wall near the stair well. Billy throws his keys somewhere on the floor so he can drag Todd in closer to him by the scruff of his neck, tilting his head for an even more perfect angle. He lifts his thigh over Todd's hip, making no attempts to hide how hard he is.

Sometimes Todd wishes he were stronger or Billy more slender, so he could simply lift Billy in both his arms and carry him up to his bed. Instead he must mutter, “Upstairs. Go,” in breaks of their kisses as they toe off shoes and begin undoing buttons and belts.

The rush to get undressed and onto the bed is so urgent, Todd doesn’t notice the way Billy hangs back for a moment. The way he gives himself a moment to take in the curve of Todd’s spine as he lays naked top of his bed, the way his chests heaves and the corner of his eyes lightening at the sight. He doesn’t notice the way Billy crawls slowly up the length of his body, rolling him onto his back to kiss him with careful intent.

“I want you,” Billy whispers against his lips.

“Take me, then. Please.”

Billy shakes his head, the fringe of his mussed hair catching with Todd’s and making a soft noise of disagreement at the back of his throat. He wets his lips. “That thing you said the other night. About something you’d like to do to me…”

Billy rolls to his side, getting only the lube from the side table.

“I want that, too.”

Todd could play coy, feign innocence about what he could possibly mean. Could make Billy say it. Beg. But as Billy presses the lube into his hand, he is simply too overwhelmed to say anything at all. Billy’s the only man who can make his sly tongue mute.

“Just ah, take your time. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the receiving end of things.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Todd says, moving to settle between Billy’s thighs. “I’m going to enjoy every second of this.”

And he does.

He relishes every moan of encouragement. Every shudder. Every tremble. Every moment of resistance. He savors muscle tension that melts to heat as Todd prepares Billy’s body for more. He delights in the feel of Billy’s hands in his hair. The soft skin of his thighs against his cheeks, still smelling fresh from his shower only a few hours before.

All the while his own anticipation builds. He’s barely aware of how turned on he is, so by the time he empties the last of the lube onto his palm and coats his length with it, he has to be careful not to press to hard against or stroke too many times for fear of bringing himself off too soon.

“Ready?” Todd asks, his voice a dusty rumble. Billy nods and makes to roll onto his front. But a firm hand to his flank stops him. “No,” Todd orders. “Right there where I can see you.”

Billy’s chest rises and falls in several unsteady breaths. He curls his body so the small of his back is pressed against the sheets, knees tucked up high. He keeps his eyes closed with wrapt determination.

Inch by breathless inch, Todd fills him; Billy’s beautiful body searing hot and tight around him.

He’s been here before, inside another body, skin to skin. Flesh to flesh. Sarah. Stupid young and needing to validate that which he already knew was false. Loving her with desperation, grasping at thin air on the free-fall of self acceptance.

And later, there had been Jules. Too charming and smug for their own good. They’d fucked in that posh flat of theirs like they were putting on a show, proud of their youth, their success and their dashing good looks. Loving Jules hadn’t felt real, hadn’t feel warm. It had been all status and ego.

But there is no ego in loving Billy. Only immense certainty. Rightness. This baffling connection between them. And this crushing, all consuming tenderness.

Todd slides his arm beneath Billy’s shoulder blades, holding him steady as he remains still, giving both their bodies time to adjust. It’s all Todd can do not to begin moving against the heat of Billy’s body. It’s blinding and Todd can feel it all the way through his cock, up his spine to his throat.

He caresses the side of Billy’s face with the backside of his knuckles, watching the small lines around Billy’s eyes. Waiting for the tension to fade, for his breathing to even.

There is a slow breath through Billy’s nose.

“Ok?” Todd asks.

And Billy’s eyes open, their blue a sudden bright vista giving Todd an unobstructed sightline into the very heart of him. “Yeah,” Billy pants. “Never better.”

It is slow and intense and not very long. Todd feels every inch of him, inside and out. Knowing and loving him in an entirely different light. “I love you,” he begins chanting as slow rolls of their hips become more definitive thrusts.

“Love you, too,” Billy replies before grabbing Todd by the back of his head and pulling his lips to his as he comes.

The release of tensions in Billy’s body feels like an explosion in reverse and it is the final sensation to push him over the edge too.

It ends with stillness, just as it had began. Todd collapsed on Billy’s chest. Billy’s hands flat on his back, his fingertips pressing possessively against Todd’s skin. They stay that way for ages, because they can. He rides out Billy’s aftershocks, still deep inside him. Letting himself go soft while their skin cools without fear of a condom leaking. All the while feeling safe and close and loved. It’s one of the most beautiful things Todd has ever felt.

Eventually though, they pull apart. Todd let’s Billy slip to the bathroom while he cleans himself up. He lays back against the pillows and surveys the room, with a contented sigh.

“You think he’s judging us? You know, for our afternoon delight,” Todd asks as Billy lifts the comforter and slides his still naked and warm body next to his. Billy’s brow furrows in confusion and Todd nods towards a picture on the wall opposite. It’s a print, framed in ornate gold, of a mosaic of Jesus. Probably from the 12th century or something equally old. The figures eyes are downcast, his hands lifted, his head encircled by a bloody crown.

“What, Jesus?” Billy asks, dumbfounded. “You do know that’s just a poster.”

“You know what I mean,” Todd says.

Billy settles his head against Todd’s shoulder. “He... tended to lepers and communed with prostitutes. I don’t think he’s be too horrified by two people in love.”

The end of his sentence gets blurred into a kiss, one with a slow pass of Billy’s tongue against his, residual passion from what they’d just shared.

“You really believe all that don’t you?” Todd asks a few moments later.

“What? That I love you?” Todd rolls his eyes as Billy gives him a smiling kiss. “No, of course I do. I believe in a living Christ.”

“I mean, and I don’t mean to be insensitive here, but how can you? You’re a smart, worldly guy, Billy. How can you believe in all this Son of God stuff when we have NASA and Darwin and Einstein. It's not possible. There’s no proof.”

“That’s why they call it faith, Todd.” Billy almost sounds amused. “And I believe that we have NASA and Darwin and Einstein and all of that, because of God. Because of his power, his benevolence across the universe.”

“So at least we’re both on the same page there. I mean dinosaurs existed, right?”

Billy laughs. “Yes, Todd. Dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen their bones at the Smithsonian when I visited the States once.”

“I guess I just don't understand how you can rationalize both.”

“Mmm...” Billy muses. “I have a harder time rationalizes what the God I know and love teaches and what the Church who serves him proclaims.”

“Any further thoughts on that? Will Vicar Mayhew be making his triumphant return anytime soon?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. There are some days where I’m still just so angry about what I’ve been asked to give up. Then others where I feel like I have a limb missing.”

Todd thinks of the times he's seen Billy in his element. Not just in the dog collar but in the pulpit, in his full regalia. Harry’s christening, Tony’s funeral, Callum’s. Those occasions had made up the bulk of Todd’s summary experience at church. And it would be a lie to say there hadn't been a certain allure to seeing him there, but not in the scandalous, Thornbirds kind of way. Hearing Billy speak those ancient words with his austere authority did give him comfort, even if he hadn’t believed any of it. He can only imagine what it must be like for Billy, who lives and breathes his faith, to be removed from it.

“But The Big Guy’s got your back, regardless of what you choose to do with your career, right? He’ll always be there for those who believe in him. Like Dumbledore, or something.”

“That was very...profound of you, Todd,” Billy says, stifling his laughter. “Very new-age Christian for self proclaimed non-believer.”

“Well, I do try to keep abreast, for you my boyfriend’s sake. But my ‘status’,” he rolls his eyes. “Atheist, agnostic, whatever...That’s not going to be a problem is it? I mean, with us going forward?”

The worry hits him as he says it. What if in the end, Billy wants to settle down with another God botherer?

“Course it isn't. Am I little sad that you and I can never share in something that has given my life purpose and meaning, maybe a little.” His voice is small by the time he finishes. “But I also fancy myself the type of Christian who doesn't think the only path to kindness and goodness is through God.”

Todd slots his fingers through Billy’s, watching the play of their joined hands on his skin. “Is that what you think I am? A good person?”

“I know you are,” he insists, his hand moving to Todd’s face. “I wouldn't be with you otherwise.”

Todd is so tempted to tell Billy right then and there about the flats. It would be received with shock and disappointment in this perfect honest moment. But not with anger, Todd is sure of it. One could even say he has complete faith.

But instead, Billy jumps up and grabs his pants, making claims about being starving and wanting to take Todd to the Bistro for lunch.

Todd smiles warmly back. Fully aware of his cowardice as he quickly takes Billy up on his offer. Happy live on in blissful ignorance for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little nod to Judging Jesus for the Tilly Squad. xo

**Author's Note:**

> You can't tell me Todd and Billy didn't get it on before they actually slept together. I mean, good grief, they are electric! So here is what I imagined might have happened after Corrie "faded to black" so to speak.


End file.
